Forty-Seven

I am my own worst critique.  And today I was at my worse.

I kept analyzing different situations that have happened recently and I became so frustrated and upset with myself.  I found myself so angry at myself.

I kept having these thoughts...You're so irresponsible lately and such a procrastinator.  You're not dependable lately.  You don't love others  and you're mean to them.  You're impatient  You don't trust God enough. You're not a good steward of what God's given you. You're not making a difference.  You're presence here doesn't matter.   You're not good enough or pretty enough.  You're a failure.  You don't deserve any of this.

I continued have these thoughts today.  I over and over again.  The scary thing is the voice who said them was mine. I believed them.  I was so upset with myself.  I was having feelings that I haven't felt in a long time.

And then these lyrics from a Shane & Shane song came blaring loudly over my accusations...

The father of lies

Coming to steal

Kill and destroy

All my hopes of being good enough

I hear him saying cursed are the ones

Who can’t abide

He’s right

Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching

The song of the redeemed

That I am cursed and gone astray

I cannot gain salvation

Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies

Be telling the truth

Of God to me tonight?

If the penalty of sin is death

Then death is mine

I hear him saying cursed are the ones

Who can’t abide

He’s right

Alleluia he’s right!

And then even louder this last part of the song rang in my ears...

Singing the first verse so conveniently over me

He’s forgotten the refrain

Jesus saves!

When the enemy spoke those lies to me, when I dwelled on the lies and believed, I forgot the Truth.  But the enemies lies do speak truth.  

I have made mistakes lately.  A lot of them.  And the thing is as much I will try not to make them in the future I will make mistakes tomorrow and the next day and the next.  But God is at work in me.  Sometimes the changes seem minuscule.  And some lessons are taking longer to learn than others but He's not finished with me yet.  

And you know I don't trust God with my whole heart.  But He's showing me each day that His ways are amazing and that the desires He's placed within will bloom in His perfect timing.  As He leads me holding tightly to my hand He continues to show me that the beauty is often found more so in the journey than in the destination...though my final destination will be absolutely glorious when I am finally face to face with Him.

I do believe God is using me.  I won't be discouraged by that anymore because I know that's a lie.  But I pray I won't become proud in that...that my heart will always cry out that I am an unworthy servant who only did her duty.  

My presence here matters because God has called me here...and He says I matter.

And of course I'm not good enough.  I never will be.  I'm not good.  Only He is good.  Any good within me...that's Him, definitely not me.  

I am fearfully and wonderfully made :)

I don't mind failing...I don't mind being weak.  When I am weak then He is strong.

I don't deserve any of this.  I don't.  But it's not about deserving.  That's why it's called grace.  Grace abundant. 

I can't earn salvation.  I don't deserve it.  I'll never be worthy of it.  And in his attempts to keep me down, the enemy remind me that salvation is a gift.  A gift of grace.  

Jesus saves.  Jesus saves me.  He came down as a baby to grow up and save me.  Not because of who I am or what I can or cannot do...but because of who HE IS!  

I am thankful that He saves.  I embrace the accusation with the Truth.  Jesus Saves.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.

John 3:16-17

She will give birth to a Son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus because He will save His people from their sins.

Matthew 1:21

"Embracing Accusation" by Shane & Shane