My thoughts have been rushing around a new blog post and then I realized I never hit publish on this one...a bit delayed...but still quite relevant...
Thoughts shift often. Moving from, "Oh, I can see what God's doing!" to "Hmm...God, are you sure about this one? I mean it's not really quite what I had in mind..." On the unfortunately rare occasion I come to thought of "God, I don't know. But I know you. So I trust you." Though my normal response lies with the middle question. Questioning God. Wondering why. Annoyed again because His plans don't seem to match up with mine. It's not something I'm proud of. It's something God is working on within me. But it's the plain ole truth. My heart and mind far too often fall into the trap of questioning what God is doing rather than resting and trusting Him.
Returning to Spain this week has ushered in the reminder of trust. Especially in light of my weekend in Wales. Trusting God with my future. Trusting God with my remaining time in Spain. Plain and simple trusting God. Believing He knows better. Easier said than done, but that is my current call. To trust Him. To quit leaning on my own understanding. To acknowledge. To let Him set the path.
Returning to Spain on Monday, brought with it one of the hardest returns I've made thus far. From a set of lost keys. To a slightly delayed flight. To rush to get through passport control, security, and to the other side of the airport to make my connection, getting home did not run smoothly. I made it, but I also went to bed at 8 pm. An extremely rare occurrence in my daily life. The challenge of returning didn't fall on the return trip. The challenge fell on returning to school the next day.
Please be careful when you read my next words, please know my heart. I have come to love ECA. I have always dearly loved my students. I love teaching. I love learning. I love school. I love students and teachers. But do not love being a teacher. I do not feel invigorated by being in the classroom or at school. I leave school drained rather than excited. My heart longs for something other being Miss Munro, ESL teacher.
It must be stated for my own sake though - I have no regrets in coming to Spain or coming to ECA. I have no regrets in majoring in teaching ESL. I loved my university classes. I won't claim I loved student teaching, but I will claim how valuable an experience it was for me, that I learned so much about myself and interacting with others. I won't claim that everyday in Spain has been challenge-free, full of excitement, minus tears. But I will claim I grew so much through the challenges faced here, that I am learning to find excitement in the little days, and more days have been filled with laughter and smiles. I have no regrets that God called me to Spain and ECA. I have no regrets that God called me to major in ESL. And I also no regrets when I now say God is calling me to something else.
The path God has lead me down, leads me down has been anything but linear and has seldom made sense. But since when does God work in ways that make sense and are linear. He does crazy things. He does big things in ways we don't expect. My sight and understanding is limited. Extremely limited. But he sees the whole picture. So I refuse to look back upon my life thus far and think I did something wrong which lead me down an odd path. I refuse to look ahead with the thought that I am doing something wrong because the path once again is not linear. Trust me if it was up to me and I got to map out my life it would be. But when I surrender to Christ, I give up that life. I accept that He will call me to some hard things. To some challenging things. To some things that just don't follow a straight line and don't really make that much sense. But I also accept that it will be worth it. Not in earthly, society-accepted ways, but worth it because it means Him. And He is always worth it.
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