On the top margins of my teal Bible where pages are worn and the imitation leather is peeling away, on the page containing Luke 9 written in black ball point pen are the words:

No Reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets. 

These are not my words. 

Honestly, until today I haven't thought much about those six words on the top of the Bible in several, even when reading verses on that page. 

But today they came resounding back to me. 

Killing time, I scrolled through my twitter account and came to a tweet reading, "There are worse things than dying for Christ. Chiefly, living without Him." Liking the quote, I retweeted it before noticing the link that followed those words. I clicked and ended up reading. 

On the blog the writer wrote about living a safe life. Choosing the safe path rather than choosing the path Christ calls us to. Choosing that means I'm living for something other than Christ - myself. 

As I read her challenge, the Spirit brought those six words to mind along with Luke 9:23, the reason those six words are written on that page. 

I grew up in church, I grew up in a Christian school. I know I heard Luke 9:23 read, preached, and given as a challenge. But those words never struck a chord with me. I took them as take up your burden, your hardship for Christ. Which yes they are...but they are so much more. 

To me those words in Luke 9:23 meant simply take up the hardship within the confines of American middle class reason. Don't venture to the rough areas. Don't go here or there. Don't talk to that person. Don't live in that country. You might get killed. You might die. You might get hurt. You might not be comfortable.  

Then I went to college. New Testament 101 with Dr. Williams rocked my world along with his Synoptic Gospels class the following year. My comfortable Christianity did not mix well with what he said as lectured on Luke 9:23.

"Then He said to them all, 'If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me.'"

As he read those words Dr. Williams looked at us and said, "Take up your cross. Let's think about this in the context the disciples would have heard it. Take up your death, your humiliating, degrading death sentence and follow me. He - Jesus - is telling them to pick up their torture and follow Him. And you know what, the majority of them did."

Somewhere along the line I missed what Jesus was asking those disciples, what He asks of me. He doesn't ask them to follow Him to a life of comfort and ease. He doesn't ask me to follow Him to prosperity. He asks them to come, deny themselves - their wants, their dreams, their lives - and follow Him. He doesn't sugarcoat it. He is brutally honest in His words, "Take up your cross and follow me." I live in the US where capital punishment is ever present but in the form of lethal injection and before that electric chairs and hanging. I can't fully imagine a death by those means, let alone the brutality and humiliation of being crucified. 

As an 18 year old what baffled me most as I tried to work all this out compared to what I had always thought, the disciples followed. They saw what happened to Christ, and yet they knew going with Him was better than their safety. Their comfort. Their life. 

Bringing me back to those six words. No Reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets. 

A few years later in college our campus pastor preached on Luke 9:23 and the verses around it. As Tracey spoke he shared with us the story of William Borden, the one who wrote those six words in his own Bible about 100 years ago. Borden, the heir to a family fortune, forsake the comfortable and eventually his own life to share the Gospel of Christ. He wrote those words in his personal Bible as his own challenge. To live without reserves - holding nothing back. To live without retreating - saying yes to Christ, and no to self. To live without regrets - living a life worthy of Christ's sacrifice. 

As I think about those six words, I know that's where I am today. 

Right now the Lord is not calling me to a place where I will be in daily life threatening danger. But the decision to say yes to go to Wales was not as easy as many might think. 

Yes, Michael is there and to be in the same place with him right now does involve me making the move due to his job. In the beginning when Michael and I started talking about such things, it was easy to say yes to move to Wales. But that's when it was hypothetical. When there was no reality yet or set plans. When I was seeking as to what would even be the next step after my commitment to ECA ended. 

Funny how things changed when reality set in. Part of me thinks I went into culture shock before there was any concrete way to move to Wales. But I must honestly admit, I cried a lot last summer and early in the fall about the idea of moving to Wales. When it was a dream I longed for it daily; it seemed perfect. But when it became real, the realization of what this would mean set in. 

Suddenly, returning to the US or even staying in Spain had a new appeal. 

Why? To be honest living abroad is not as glamorous as it seems. Wonderful and amazing, absolutely. Easy, heck no. In your home country, you take for granted simple things like knowing how to properly enter and exit a grocery store. I never once thought about how to correctly enter and exit Publix or Ingles or any grocery store in the US. But in Spain you do. You have to learn how to do things differently. Living abroad has many blessings, but it is also exhausting. And the idea of learning how do all these simple tasks again when I was just finally getting the hang of them in Spain left me not really wanting to go to Wales. 

In September, despite clearly knowing God was telling me to leave ECA, I started debating as to whether I should stay another year. With some gentle prodding God opened my eyes to heart longing to retreat to the easy. When the news came that my teaching license would expire at the end of the year, again I questioned but God said to live no reserves, putting all of trust and security in Him. 

As I prepare to go to Wales in a few months, going to serve in a way I never imagined, but am so excited for. My prayer is to live by those six words. 

No reserves. No retreats. No regrets. 

To Him be the glory. 

Spain Lesson #2 - Live Simply

My mind can't quite comprehend how easily you can hop into a different country when in Europe. Of course, it's like hopping States. Except it's not. Within two hours you can be in any handful of countries and thanks to the ever annoying but usually affordable budget airlines, you can do it for a fraction of the cost.

If people look over my time in Spain and think, "Boy, you traveled a lot!" My response will always be, "I don't think you realize how simple and cheap it is compared to travel in the US." Pick a budget airline, pick a cheap hostel, and pack a backpack. Done.

As a high school junior, my family, some dear family friends, and I ventured up to Boone, North Carolina. My most memorable moments...
1. Having Carlyn (one of the 6 month old twins) spit up all over. I couldn't stand it, so what did I do. In all my 16 year old common sense, I laid her on the table. It was big table thank goodness.

2. Realizing I will never be a skier. And I am more than okay with that. Let's just say I can't stop and managed to take someone out at the bottom of the ski slope. Oops.

3. Becoming the joke of the trip as I had more stuff than stuff than the 6 month old twins, who had sleep monitors and all sorts of other contraptions needed when traveling with babies.

Packing has always been my least favorite because I am a what if packer. I have run through all the what if situations in my head and end up with way more stuff than I could ever need or use. In high school I think I ended up in tears while packing. Packing for college and then unpacking at the end of the year were always things I dreaded. Packing for Wales in one suitcase about caused me a meltdown. Packing for Spain was better...though I packed and repacked more times than I care to remember.

But moving and fitting my life into a backpack for weekends and even a three week trip, has taught me the value of less. Life is simpler when we own less. We live in a world where the message of more bombards us. But the more I have, the more I am weighed down. I have begun to feel freer with less.

When I look at my Savior, what do I see? The true picture of simple living. He gave up riches so we could simply live. So here I stand asking myself when it comes to my things, am I living simply like Him? And when the answer is no, how do I change to live simply?

The packing to leave Spain began in February with the first bag being left in Wales. Another two bags have since gone to stay in Wales. I have three big suitcases left and few carry-on sized bags available. And whatever is leaving Spain with me will fit in those bags. I don't need stuff to make me happy.

Here's to working to live simply...like Jesus...

Spain Lesson #1 - No Perfect People Here!

It becomes all to easy to question why God has brought us through something. Wondering if we made the right choice. If this really was the will of God. Or did we in our inept, incomplete wisdom make a mistake, get it all wrong? As I prepare to leave Spain that has been my attack...questioning whether I should have come to Spain in the first place.

Now's the a hefty question I know. Part of it springs from the fact I have never fully felt apart of Spain. There are people I love here. I love ECA for that it is. I love the history and the richness of this culture that lives up to its own motto of, "Spain is Different." But in serving at ECA I see in myself how at least at this time period I was not wired to live forever in Spain. I think I thought I would leave Spain with painful departure, my heart breaking over my leaving. Honestly, that's not the case. I'm sad to leave behind dear friends and students. I will miss Lavapiés and even the charms of Camarma (though probably not the Camarma bus).

But the realization that I won't be heartbroken in my leaving surfaced this sense of failure. In my insecurity, I questioned my being here. But God is faithful. God's ways are so not my own. And thank goodness for that. And God in the mist of my doubting hearts reassures me that I needed Spain. Just as I now need to leave Spain, I needed Spain.

I've learned a lot. I've discovered a lot. I've succeeded with God. I've failed a lot without Him. And without Spain I would not be where I needed to be.

So here are my Spain lessons. Some serious. Some funny. Some painfully honest. But all what I needed.

Lesson #1 (Oh please note - these are not ordered in any particular order)...

I am the product of two Christian schools and a public school. Reflecting back I know some of my public school teachers, many who were not proclaiming Christians, were more loving than some Christian school teachers I had. Though my best teacher and my worst teacher all came from Christian school.  Christian school gave me lots of Bible knowledge, but failed to instill in me the idea of a relationship with God. Rather I learned more about the rules of being a Christian in Christian school (I did not go to a legalistic school). My struggles with materialism and reading the Bible/praying daily stem from Christian school. And trust me kids are no nicer in Christian school than they are in public school.  As a small child I somehow got indoctrinated that public school was evil (my mom and aunt were public school teachers so I'm not quite sure about this philosophy). This is not a bash on Christian school. I am grateful for time at both of mine despite all the bad. This is rather to say you'll be hard-pressed to convince me that Christian school is the better option to public school (but that is a story for another day).

But God led me back to Christian education after my public high school experience. And God knew I needed Gardner-Webb. I needed a place that encouraged me in my faith, but let me make that choice on my own rather than forcing it down my throat. And my coming to ECA has in many ways restored my faith in Christian education.

Early into my time at ECA I became frustrated with the handlings of an ELL student. Now I have to admit, I was far too naive and new to ECA to realize some of the bigger pictures. I cringe a bit reflecting on my attitude during this as I became upset with some people I have come see as a wonderful and loving. I was the new teacher with big ideas about ELLs. I wish I could change some of the handlings of that time period, but I can't. However, I am grateful this time period because it taught me something (well, actually two things as I learned the value of not jumping in with all your opinions when you're brand new and don't know and fully understand the whole picture).

One day during this time I let out the building frustration to my then officemate, "I would have expected this treatment of ELLs in the public system. But this is a Christian school?!"

Lonnie graciously looked at me and retorted with, "What you mean there are imperfect people, imperfect teachers in a Christian environment? What you're telling me imperfect people make up the body of Christ?"

I needed that sarcasm more than you know. I needed the reminder that we Christians lack so much. And the simple label of Christian does not mean something will be perfect. That becoming a Christian does equate perfection. It doesn't mean we make the right choices. It doesn't mean we carry the right attitude. It means we are redeemed by grace because the love and sacrifice of Christ. We try as hard as we can to be like Him, but even on our best days we never measure up.