Comparison Kills Contentment

I have often (or maybe always) felt like a bit of an oddball. And by oddball I don't mean weird, though that adjective might also serve as a fitting description or at the very least awkward would also work.

But no by oddball I mean I have always felt that I stood out. Often like a sore thumb.

I have insanely curly hair in a straight hair world (let's just say I spend the only decade that embraced big hair with no hair)

Caitlin in the 80's - rockin the peach fuzz

In elementary school I wanted to just be able to wear it down without it going big and poofy or know how to do it on my own without my mother's help to make it look good. My independent streak lead to a lot of brushed straight back low ponytails (insert cringe moment here). I longed for the Jennifer Aniston haircut in middle school but let's just say middle parts aren't the friend of curly hair girls. In university I was introduced to straighteners. For four years I tortured my roommate and hall mates with the smell of burnt hair. To honest I'm surprise they still speak me after all that. 

And then I spend a hiatus in Florida. AKA humidity central. Hair straightening + humidity + insanely curly hair = giant frizzy mane. 

Due not to wanting to look like a lion and being sick of the burnt hair smell and seeing how damaged my hair had become I decided to embrace it these curls of mine. And at 26 I can confidently say I love my hair. (I also love my hair dresser and Moroccan hair oil!) But I spend a load time wishing it could just be straight or go at least go straight easily. A lot of time wasted on comparison. 

Along with the insane curls I have always felt slightly out of place wherever I have lived. In Miami I wanted to speak Spanish and felt like I wasn't part of some elite club due to the lack of Spanish speaking ability. In Lake Placid I lived in a small town I wasn't originally from; that's harder than it sounds when you're in high school. In university I was one of the few who was from out of state who didn't play a sport. Let's just say I got really tired of the question, "So how did you get to GWU?" In Spain, well, it was the wasn't Spanish and didn't speak the language all that well. Though I can order off a Spanish menu like nobody's business. And now I live in Wales. I might not look as different but as soon as I open my mouth it's pretty obvious I'm not from around here (though I keep getting asked if I'm from Scotland lately).  I spend a lot of last year trying to not have to speak unless I knew the people - not the most helpful when you're trying to live intentionally and build relationships. All this to say that I can't remember living in a place that I didn't wish I was somewhat different. Spoke a different language. Was somewhere else. Had a different accent. 

With where I lived, with what my hair looks like, with how I look, with what I do, with this or with that...I have spend a lot of the last 26 years of my life comparing. I would even go as far to say have lived in a constant state of comparison for these 26 years. Spent a lot of time saying, "if only I had/I was/I looked like..."

Facebook and pinterest and wedding planning only add to the comparison crisis. And what does comparison do you...it steals joy, takes away confidence, causes jealousy, hurts relationships (or doesn't even allow them to form). Comparison is truly like a cancer for the soul. 

Comparison kills contentment. 

Let me repeat comparison kills contentment.

For all the time I have spend wishing I was something else or someone else, I have missed out on a lot to be content about. A lot to be joyful about. A lot to be thankful for. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made in the image of God. And I don't want to spend another second not embracing the woman He's made me to be. I don't want to waste the time I've been given not celebrating and loving the people in my life, where I live and what I have been called to do. 

And as long as I live in state of comparison I can't embrace this. 

I don't want to be about comparison. Except for comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him. I want to about His love. I want to be about mercy and justice. I want to be about compassion and encouragement. I want to be about generosity and grace. I want to be joy. I want to be about contentment. 

So comparison - I'm done playing your game. I'm not playing anymore. Hands up, surrender not playing.

I'm reviving my contentment instead. 

Quote by Theodore Roosevelt